Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
This bar smells like my childhood.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Please vote for people who are attractive
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Feel. He’s so soft.
