Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Good morning.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die