Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.