Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday