everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
*has no idea what a book even is*
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Voodoo map
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured