everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.