Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

grandpa was shocked

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!