Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar