everyone please keep my 15 yo in your thoughts and prayers today. Because of a plumbing issue that isn’t fixed yet, he has to walk about 20 steps further to the next closest bathroom from his room. He is “sick of this crap”.
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.