Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.