Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.