Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Truly one of the great bangers
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
