Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting