Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats