Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
life lately
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth