Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Would you wear it?

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

😭😭😭

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭