Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
#SaturdayBears
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming