everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Raisins are grape jerky.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings