Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Beauty and the Beast

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf