Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass