Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’