Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
asked my bf how work was today
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Jogging
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.