Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
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In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If a snake ate a cake
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?