Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me