Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow