Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.