Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.