Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?


After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.


Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.


My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.


I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.


[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”


I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.


A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating