@NotChuckBarkley

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

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@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

@KentWGraham

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@shanethevein

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

@MarlaCaceres

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

@SentenceReduced

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating