Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Breaking news:
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!