Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT