Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.