Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

😎 🍻

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.