“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Snapes on a plane.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off