Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*