Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
![]()
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.