Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.