Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.