everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.