Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
parents: okay we will be home at 11 o’clock!
me: they’re dead i’m alone i need to start my orphan life now
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?