I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response