everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Talk about a bad egg
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.