Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You Might Also Like
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.