Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?