Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
all bases covered
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.