Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.