Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.