Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.