Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.