Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”