Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok