Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”