everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.