everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
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i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
somebody come look at this
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.