everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Natty or not?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now