Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Revenge served cold
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you