Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word