Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.