Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother