Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means