Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing