Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…