Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado