Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg![]()
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?