EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one