EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Good advice.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.