Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

This pepper has seen some shit

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.