Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
can I use a minion as a tampon
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
We know he can swim but…
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi