Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.