Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

😂

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most