Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Bless you

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.