Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.