Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

the clam before the storm

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.