Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
So Hamburger help me, God
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.