Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”